


Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace

by London9Calling



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Humor, I had too because xiuho getting drunk and sleeping together gives me life, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2016-12-06
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:29:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/pseuds/London9Calling
Summary: Junmyeon wakes up next to his longstanding crush with exactly zero memory of how he got there. Panic and delayed hilarity ensues.





	

**Author's Note:**

> [This](http://haterasianlover.tumblr.com/post/154046126658/irpsychotic-rise-xiuho-rise) made me do it (and Rina, because she loves dad jokes as much as I do).

A cold shower and five minutes of aggressive teeth brushing couldn’t take the horror away. When Junmyeon walked into the hotel restaurant he didn’t feel like eating his complimentary breakfast. Not when seated at the table across from Junmyeon’s boss was the source of his anxiety, Kim Minseok, otherwise known as the man Junmyeon had woken up next to an hour before.  Kim Minseok, the man who Junmyeon dashed out on, too terrified at the fact he couldn’t remember to dare to stay until he awoke.

“Hyung!” Jongin, Junmyeon’s boss, waved him to their table, all easy smiles. He looked positively refreshed, completely ready to get through a day of meeting with clients despite the drinks he had the night before. Junmyeon suddenly hated him for it.

When Junmyeon approached the table Minseok turned to give him a small wave, a gummy smile and a “Good morning” said so nonchalantly Junmyeon was tempted to scream and run from the restaurant. He didn’t need his career, right? He could just quit, go back to Seoul and um…run a flower shop or something. Maybe a bakery. Maybe the convenience store by his apartment was hiring?

“Minseok said you guys were up for a few hours after I left,” Jongin commented as he stabbed at his breakfast sausage with a fork. “I’d scold you but you don’t look too hungover.”

Junmyeon laughed nervously as he took a seat, his face flaming red as he looked anywhere but at his coworker across the table from him. Kim Minseok. The last person on earth he ever thought he would sleep with. He had to have been hammered to have done it, _really_ hammered. Which would explain why he couldn’t remember much of anything and the few things he did remember were absolutely terrifying to contemplate.

_House._

_Greece._

_Cake._

_Reception._

_Love_

Kim Junmyeon, sales manager at a medium sized paper company, had apparently confessed his heart’s every desire to his longstanding crush in a moment of drunken fervor. A fog descended over the rest of the night and the next thing he knew he was waking up next to Minseok, clad only in a t-shirt and boxer shorts, his arm slung over the other man’s middle.

“I’m surprised you don’t look worse for wear. You were really drunk last night. But hey, I was too,” Minseok was probably smiling at him again, laughing, looking downright too fucking adorable for a twenty six year old man. But Junmyeon wasn’t going to look. Not if he could help it. He was far too mortified to try to remember. “We even slept in the same bed.” Minseok laughed.

“No way!  Really?” Jongin found great amusement in the fact. “Did you guys really pass out in Minseok’s room?”

It took Junmyeon a pitifully long time to realize Jongin had asked him a question. When he did he wasn’t quite sure what it was. “Pardon?”

“Did you guys sleep in Minseok’s room?” Jongin repeated, eyes sparkling with mirth.

“I–“Junmyeon swallowed, his cheeks growing warm. “Did we?” He tried to mask his embarrassment with the most forced laugh in the history of forced laughs, a sound so bizarre he earned looks from other patrons.

“Yep, we slept together,” Minseok answered, still flashing that cheeky grin.

“Wow.” Jongin seemed infinitely amused.

Junmyeon shrugged, changing the subject before he died of embarrassment. “So what’s on the agenda today?”

Jongin was happy to talk business, telling his two underlings about what was planned for their client visits. Junmyeon tried to listen but it was futile. He had woken up next to Kim Minseok and he barely remembered a thing. There was little doubt, however, what had gone on. A red mark on his chest and a strange bruise on his hip plus a pain in his backside told him everything he needed to know. Shit.

 

 

They piled into the rental car after breakfast, Junmyeon somehow managing to get through the first awkward event in a day that would surely be full of them. Minseok ended up driving, much to Junmyeon’s chagrin Jongin took the back seat. That left him sitting a foot away from the one man he wanted to avoid.

As they started off down the highway Minseok casually said, “Hey, find a pop station on the radio.”

Junmyeon began fidgeting with the knobs, wondering when Minseok had started liking pop music. The last time Junmyeon remembered the accountant preferred to listen to classic rock.

“I never knew you liked Miley Cyrus until last night,” Minseok chuckled.

Miley Cyrus. Why would he tell Minseok he liked Miley Cyrus?! Oh god, just how much had he said?

Junmyeon found a pop radio station and then promptly went back to staring out the window and wishing he had a time machine. It was a big mistake to drink last night, especially with the one guy he had always wanted to impress. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Jongin was on the phone, talking to who Junmyeon ascertained was their client. Their boss wasn’t paying attention when Minseok, in a dangerously low voice, said, “A tiered cake, huh?”

Junmyeon dug his nails into his seat belt as his heart began to beat erratically. A cake? Oh god, he had really talked about his dream wedding, hadn’t he?

Minseok laughed heartily before adding, “A son named Cliff.”

Cliff? What in the hell?! Had he not only talked about his dream wedding but named their future adopted child?! Junmyeon wanted to cry. Instead he watched the passing scenery, panicking as Jongin continued to ramble on the phone and Minseok laughed to himself every few minutes.

Junmyeon had made a big mistake.

 

 

 

There was a ten minute window after their first meeting when Junmyeon found himself blissfully alone. Blissfully was quite the misnomer, he was still panicking and felt downright sick. Jongin and Minseok were looking over a few documents, finalizing some things that Junmyeon didn’t need to be a part of. He had taken the opportunity to bid the client farewell and make a beeline for the rental car mumbling an excuse about pulling the vehicle around. Once he was safely inside he took out his cell phone and dialed the one person he could trust to tell about the situation.

Jongdae picked up after two rings. “’Sup?”

“I slept with Minseok,” Junmyeon blurted out.

“Wait what?!” Jongdae screeched into the phone.

“We were drinking after reviewing our presentation and Jongin left to go to bed and I don’t really remember but I woke up next to him this morning and I think I told him about my dream wedding and said we should adopt and oh my god Jongdae I am going to die.” Junmyeon took a shaky breath.

Jongdae, forever loyal and level headed, whistled into the phone. “Dayum, never thought I would see the day you would actually hook up with him. Congrats.”

“This isn’t the time for congrats!” Junmyeon shouted. “I can’t remember what happened! I don’t even really know what I said! Just bits and pieces and oh god Jongdae I am going to die.”

“Whoa, dude, calm down. I thought you would be happy, geez how long have you been giving him puppy dog eyes.”

“Jongdae, I slept with him and I can’t even remember it!” Junmyeon realized he probably sounded crazy, half hysterical as he shouted into the phone.

“Okay, okay. Um, well what do you remember? And if he isn’t upset doesn’t that mean it went well?”

“But we haven’t even gone on a date? He’ll think I’m easy and weird. That I’m an easy weird guy who loves Miley Cyrus and proposed the first night ww – we- we–“He was definitely hyperventilating now.

“Deep breath, hyung, deep breath. Come on, you can do it.” Jongdae waited for the sound of Junmyeon inhaling and exhaling before he continued.  “It will be fine. Be honest, tell him things are a bit foggy and you’re sorry it happened. See what he says, okay? Stay calm, seriously, it will be fine.”

“It will?!” Junmyeon needed someone to say that to him, even if he didn’t believe it.

“Yes, of course it will be. You’re Kim Junmyeon, top of the class, my favorite Star Wars nerd. Purveyor of dad jokes. I even can stand your messiness and that is saying something.”

“Jongdae! This is not helping!” Junmyeon didn’t need to think of his constant messiness or neediness. Not when Kim Minseok was a clean freak who probably went to clubs and had a bazillion friends and – “Shit they’re coming.”

“Good luck, hyung! Fighting!” Click.

When Minseok got into the car he gave Junmyeon a curious look. “Everything fine?”

“Yep. Great. Wonderful.” Junmyeon buckled his seat belt and looked anywhere but at Minseok. Shit.

 

 

 

“Let’s stop here for lunch.” They were at a red light with an hour to kill before their next meeting. Jongin tapped on the window, pointing towards a hot pot restaurant.

“K.” Minseok put the blinker on to turn into the parking lot.

 _Great, another meal with Minseok. Wonderful. I can do this, yep, totally do this_. Junmyeon felt the perspiration drip down his back. Is this what it felt like to go insane?

“Just tell him,” Jongdae had said. Yeah, right, tell Minseok he didn’t remember a thing and that it was all some mistake? Yep, that would work considering that would dash any future chances Junmyeon may ever have with the only man he had been interested in for the last two years. Yep. Great. Wonderful.

They took a seat by the window, the waitress taking their order with a feigned smile. Jongin steered the conversation towards their next client meeting which Junmyeon was eternally grateful for. It was only when they started eating that things took a turn for the worse.

Crab hotpot. Junmyeon’s favorite. And apparently he felt the need to tell Minseok that the night before because all Minseok wanted to do was pick up the pieces of crab and give Junmyeon suggestive looks. “What nice shellfish,” he laughed, putting some on Junmyeon’s plate.

If he had a mirror Junmyeon was certain he would see that his face was the color of a crab shell.

 

 

 

After lunch they resumed their journey, stopping at one of their largest client’s headquarters. It was contract renewal time and the meeting was extremely important considering a good chunk of their regional business was with that particular client.

They were greeted by Mr. Lee, a middle aged man who liked to slap people on the back and didn’t take no for an answer. The renegotiation would be tough, and this was one of the reasons Minseok had joined on the business trip. He had a way of talking clients into higher pricing. He was the rare accountant with charm, Junmyeon had always thought. He would probably have been better suited to be a salesperson.

Negotiation with Mr. Lee was as much about schmoozing as talking logistics and Junmyeon watched in awe as Minseok charmed the man. Jongin was usually charming, and Junmyeon – well he was practical and trustworthy – but in this case it was Minseok carrying the conversation.

Mr. Lee laughed as Minseok recounted their latest adventures with a new supplier, a lesson in how important quality was to their company. He made it amusing, so much so Mr. Lee was wiping stray tears as he pounded on the table.

“I like him,” Mr. Lee gave Minseok a friendly, albeit strong, pat on the back. “You married, Kim? I’d let you date my daughter.” Mr. Lee was not exactly one hundred percent professional.

“Nope, and only if she is half as funny as you,” Minseok winked, laughing loudly as Mr. Lee further espoused how wonderful the accountant was.

Junmyeon on the other hand felt his heart drop. Did Minseok just allude that he was single? Did Minseok, who Junmyeon knew was single before the night prior, just toss out having slept with him right in front of his face? Now he felt like crying for an entirely different reason.

 When the deal was wrapped up Junmyeon found himself plodding back to the car with a frown on his face. He was no longer embarrassed, now he was angry.

 

 

 

They had one more stop before calling it a day. Their next visit was less strategically important and Junmyeon felt less guilty being subdued through the whole thing. He stole glances at Minseok here and there, the wound reopened every time he saw that gummy smile.

So they slept together and Minseok just took him as a one night stand? As some drunken fling that he felt like teasing. After Junmyeon poured his heart out about his dream wedding and Miley Cyrus, about adopting a child and probably living together until they were old. Minseok had probably been laughing at him. The giant crush Junmyeon had been harboring towards Minseok withered away in the span of one afternoon, replaced by bitterness and dejection.

 

 

 

Junmyeon holed himself up in his hotel room after they returned, forgoing dinner with Jongin and Minseok in favor of streaming _Beaches_ on his laptop. He cried for ten minutes, then grabbed a bottle of wine and called Jongdae ready to pour his heart out to his friend.

Jongdae was supportive, calling Minseok several bad names while trying to boost Junmyeon’s ego. But then he said something that had Junmyeon in tears again and the cycle repeated. “But like, you guys are so different in personality but I always thought you would make a good match. Opposites attract, you know. Guess I was wrong.”

Another round of crying, another round of best friend ego boosting talks, and Junmyeon felt a bit better. He hung up the phone and took a bath, looking forward to getting on a plane the next day and putting the entire business trip behind him. Kim Minseok, it turned out, was the biggest jerk Junmyeon had ever met.

 

 

Five weeks later and Junmyeon was still nursing a grudge while avoiding Minseok as much as possible. It was cruel that Minseok, who while outgoing was not that talkative while in the office, seemed to seek Junmyeon out at every turn ever since they had returned from their trip. He was always having to give the sales manager a report, hand delivered, or ask him out for coffee. Junmyeon was barely containing his desire to yell at the man with each encounter, wanting to point a finger into his handsome face and scream “You used me and threw me away you son of a bitch!” He settled for mumbling a few words of thanks when he received a report and turning Minseok down when he asked him to go eat.

To make matters worse other people in the office noticed the chilly and awkward atmosphere between Minseok and Junmyeon, some going as far as to ask Junmyeon about it. The worst was Sehun, one of Junmyeon’s top sales reps.

“Did something happen with you and Minseok?” Sehun asked one day, sitting on the edge of Junmyeon’s desk in a gesture that was sure to annoy his boss.

“No,” Junmyeon answered curtly, never looking away from his monitor.

“Oh, really? Because he looks like a kicked puppy every time he comes out of your office.” Sehun shrugged. “Rumor is you turned him down.”

“Rumor?” Junmyeon wanted to laugh at the irony. He turned Minseok down, right. “Stop listening to rumors and do your job. And get your ass off my desk.”

Sehun sighed and probably rolled his eyes, but Junmyeon didn’t look. He was too busy trying to figure out what to do since apparently he was the center of office rumors at the moment. He had never been the center of gossip, at least to his knowledge.

Junmyeon settled for doing what he did best, and that was asking Jongdae what he should do.

“Seriously dude, talk to him? Clear things up. I know what he did was bad and he’s a total asshat but you need to clear the air if you plan on working together.”

Junmyeon didn’t like the suggestion, not really. But as days passed and whispers continued he figured it was the only thing he could do. He sent an invite to lunch for the next day, feeling a wave of anxiety when Minseok accepted it within a minute of receiving it.

 

 

Junmyeon had picked the small café a few blocks from their office because the food was bordering on terrible aka they were never packed during lunch. It was the perfect place to take a person who you had a one night stand with and then were summarily rejected by – without of course ever having discuss it aside from a few vague jokes and the horrifying realization you had made drunken lifetime plans with them.

Minseok seemed chipper when he entered the café, showing up ten minutes after Junmyeon (just as Junmyeon had planned it, he wasn’t about to walk over with his nemesis). They ordered soda and food, Minseok smiling widely and making small talk. Junmyeon wasn’t there for small talk.

“Look.” Junmyeon took a deep breath. Now or never. “It was a mistake what happened between us during the trip and if I could take it back I would. But I can’t. I won’t pretend like I’m not pissed off but that is beside the point. We are being gossiped about by everyone and their brother and it needs to stop. We need to figure out some sort of way to work together and forget what happened.”

Minseok, who had been sipping on his soda, choked, coughing as he nearly doubled over. _So he thought I would just be tossed away and remain silent_ , Junmyeon glared at him.

“A-are you really mad about that?” Minseok asked between coughs, his face turning red.

“Of course I’m mad!” Junmyeon couldn’t believe the gall of this man. “Who wouldn’t I be mad?!”

“I didn’t realize it was serious.” Minseok looked at Junmyeon with wide eyes, like the sales manager had grown a second head.

“Not serious!? You have to be joking.” Junmyeon let out a bitter laugh before lowering his voice. “You are a jerk, you know that?”

Minseok looked downright confused. “But I had fun.”

“Exactly, you’re an asshole.” Junmyeon couldn’t believe he had once liked this guy.

“Junmyeon, maybe you are thinking about this wrong. I didn’t think it would be so…” Minseok chewed his bottom lip. The nerve of this jerk to look so put out by his own behavior. Junmyeon wanted to throw water in his face. “Fine, I concede. You win.”

“I don’t want to win, I just want people to stop gossiping.” Junmyeon felt like he was talking to a brick wall.

“If you aren’t mad about losing then what is the matter?” Minseok blinked in confusion. Damn he looked cute for a jerk face.

“The matter is that you tossed me-“Junmyeon’s brain caught up with his mouth, making him pause. “Wait, what did I lose?”

Minseok opened his mouth then closed it. Finally he asked, “Junmyeon, do you remember what happened that night?”

“Of course I do!” Junmyeon lied.

“There is no way you remember, at least I think you don’t.” Minseok’s face suddenly turned red. “Did you think we…?”

Oh shit. Junmyeon was tongue tied. They hadn’t slept together? What about the pain in his backside, the bruises? What about the fragmented memories of talking about love and receptions, cake and adopted children named Cliff?!

“Junmyeon, I like you, really I do. And I had a ton of fun hanging out and telling bad jokes with you all night until we fell asleep. I was planning on asking you out, if I am being honest, but I thought you must have been so angry at me for losing the bad joke contest you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.” Minseok frowned. “But that isn’t it, is it? You don’t remember the contest.”

“I remember!” Junmyeon faked a laugh, feeling mortified. They had a bad joke contest? They hadn’t slept together? He hadn’t been jilted after a one night stand? Oh god, this was terrible.

“You thought we had sex,” Minseok was blushing.

“No!” Junmyeon needed to pull the fire alarm and run away from the city and the country and maybe live on mars for the rest of his life.

“You really did! No wonder you were pissed. I’m so sorry, if I knew you couldn’t remember…” Minseok put his head in his hands. When Junmyeon heard a muffled laugh he wanted to die.

“Here, listen.” Minseok pulled his phone out of his pocket, placing it on the table. Junmyeon recoiled, scooting his chair back a few inches. “It’s fine, you told me to record it in case one of us cheated or couldn’t remember.” Minseok pushed play and the recording began.

 _“This is our first bad joke-off.”_ Junmyeon was horrified to hear how drunk he sounded, how giggly he sounded. _“Because Minseok knows I can tell better jokes than him.”_

_“Uh uh,” Minseok slurred._

_“First person to laugh loses. Okay go.”_

Junmyeon listened as they told joke after joke, each equally cheesy. Suddenly the small slivers of conversation – the words that Junmyeon did remember – made sense. The strange things Minseok had said the next day, they were all right there, pieced together with the humor of a middle aged father.

_Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish._

_What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometry Cyrus._

_What does a house wear? An a-ddress._

_What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff._

_Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers._

_Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent._

It was the last joke that had Junmyeon bursting out laughing, his drunken giggles high pitched as Minseok shouted he won. The recording ended with Junmyeon continuing to laugh and then there was a crash. “You fell off the bed, I imagine you had bruises,” Minseok explained as he reached for his phone.

So that was why his backside hurt. Oh lord. It made sense now, all of it. But somehow Junmyeon was no longer embarrassed, not when he repeated in his head the last joke.

_Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent._

It was downright hilarious. Junmyeon found himself laughing again, cracking up at his favorite brand of humor.

“Reception was excellent.” Junmyeon snickered, trying to hide his mirth. That was an amazing joke, he had to agree. When he finally succeeded at choking down his laughter he was met with a very awkward stare from Minseok and the realization that everything he had been brooding about for the last month was a lie. Oh, and wait, did Minseok admit he liked him? Shit.

“So are we good?” Minseok asked, flashing a small smile.

“Ah, yeah, if you can forgive me for um...” Junmyeon looked away, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Don’t mention it. And hey, if you want to go out sometime I would love to take you to dinner.” Minseok looked hopeful.

Junmyeon felt a tug in his chest as he readily agreed, his embarrassment at least partially replaced by joy.

“What about the rumors though?” Minseok asked after they had eaten, their relationship repaired and starting on a new course.

Junmyeon tried to look serious as he asked, “Minseok, did you hear the rumor going around about butter?”

“No,” Minseok answered, looking confused.

“I would tell you but I shouldn’t spread it.” Junmyeon dissolved into a fit of laughter. Minseok laughed heartily until tears were coming out of his eyes. They were a match made in heaven, Junmyeon realized, deciding when he got back to the office he would need to start looking up new jokes. It was never too soon to prepare for their second joke-off.


End file.
